Kano Model of Marriage

By Chad Smith.

Groaning inwardly, I reluctantly found a seat in the meeting room for another mandatory corporate training module.  Trying my best to be optimistic despite all the pressing items waiting in my inbox, I found myself increasingly fascinated with the topic being presented.  In fact, I began to sense a truth and principle that could be applied not only to business, but also to many other areas of my life.  

The principle presented that day in our corporate training has affected my thinking and changed my perception of achieving and delivering satisfaction ever since.  It was the principle presented in the form of what is called the "Kano Model" ( see Wikipedia Article ).  

To illustrate the Kano Model, take a moment to consider your last stay in a good hotel.  Ask yourself; what did I take for granted when I walked into the hotel room that I would have been unhappy about if they weren't there?  They would probably include fundamental things like a bed, bathroom, curtains on the windows etc.  Let's call these the "Must haves" of the hotel room.  Assuming these features were there, what is it that makes you appreciate a good hotel room?  Likely this would include things like a big tub, big TV with lots of channels, free wireless internet etc.   Let's call these the "More's better" features of the hotel. Finally, think about what really distinguished the best hotel you've stayed in from all the rest.  Was it the newspaper at the door, the mint on the pillow or the omelet man at the breakfast bar?  Let's call these the "Delighters".

Now consider the application of the Kano model to building and ensuring satisfaction in marriage.  So what are the "must haves", "more's betters" and "delighters "of marriage for you?  Here are some of my thoughts. Hopefully they will allow you to ponder how they apply to you and empower you to find and see ways to enhance your own marriage.

Must Haves

The "Must Haves" provide the foundation of a marriage. We often take them for granted until they go missing, and without which the marriage is constantly in danger of collapsing.  I submit that the must haves include :

• Total spousal fidelity both physically and emotionally.  Those who think that they can maintain a marriage but still "look", confide in, or socialize separately from their spouse with members of the opposite sex, are seriously undermining the foundation of their marriage.
• Respect for and willingness to consider ones spouse as valid or as intelligent as themselves, despite differences, is a must have in marriage. Having had occasion to counsel with a number of struggling couples, I have seen the harm of not having this understanding between spouses. It is not maintainable over time.
• Agreed upon foundational beliefs and approaches to life and raising of children.  This could be argued to fit into the "more's better" section, but I'm going to put it here.  My experience is that those who don't resolve these questions, especially if each spouse is of a different religion or culture, are building on a foundation that has potential hidden cracks.

More's Better

Ascertaining what the "more's better" for marriages is going to be different for different couples.  Allow me to suggest a few to get you started:

• Learning  a second language. What I mean by that is how much better marriage can be when you learn what each other's love language is, and then endeavor to learn to speak it to them. Often this can be as tricky and require as much practice as learning a second language.  Check out Gary Chapman's "5 Love Languages" for excellent treatment of this idea.
• Date nights. Spending time together to connect and remember why you got married can be especially difficult in the early years as children come along and as couples struggle to build their career and home.  The more you can prioritize date time with your spouse , the more you can make your marriage that much better.  My wife and I can definitely notice when we have skipped a few date nights.  I can physically see the tension and stress drain out of my wife and the beautiful happy women I married re-appears in front of my eyes as we settle into a comfy booth at "Boston Pizza" or "The Keg".  Those few minutes or hours away from the hustle of life and kids can restore perspective and love.
• Talking about the hard topics. Every family and marriage has those "elephants in the room" topics and challenges. Those things that are easier just to skirt around and never really talk about.  You can also spot these elephants by watching for the topics of tension that seem to keep coming up again and again.  For Jen and I, these seem to fall into 3 categories; Intimacy, finances, and children (including trying to agree about how best to educate them). The more you can respectfully and regularly talk about these issues and work together to find answers and win-win approaches to them, the more unified and strong your marriage will be.

Delighters

Delighters are the things that bring sparkle, fun and excitement to a marriage and are best applied when the "Must Haves" and "More is Better" categories are also established and being worked on.

• Getaways. For us, one of the delighters in our marriage is a regular plan to get away alone as a couple.  For us this has ranged from a trip to Quebec City for our 15th anniversary, to an overnight hotel stay 5 blocks from our home. We use this time to re-connect physically as well as mentally. We try to do this every 6 months if possible and do our best to set aside time to talk about our relationship, the things we want to start and stop doing in the next 6 months and about each of our kids.  This time alone and apart is much anticipated and a delight for us.
• On purpose speaking of each others love language especially when it is not easy.  When my wife sets up a special evening or when I actually do some of the things on the honey-do list even though I don't enjoy it, those small sacrifices are a delight.

Whatever stage you are at in your marriage, whatever state it is in, or even as you contemplate getting married, these are  principles that can be applied and considered to  solidify it's foundation, improve it step by step over time and  regularly make it a delight.

Apostolic Advice

Now for my yearly blog post :0)

Last night we had the priveledge of listening to an apostle of Jesus Christ right here in Edmonton! Elder Russell M. Nelson of the quorum of the 12 apostles, of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, addressed a full church last night at the Bonnie Doone Stake center.

Here are some of the hilights of the evening:

Sister Nelson taught in an easy going and fun loving manner the importance of seeking the gifts of the spirit earnestly. She quoted Bruce R McConkie as saying that the gifts of the spirit listed in the scriptures are just the tip of the ice berg when it comes to all the spiritual gifts the Lord has waiting for us when we seek them. She taught that for each obstacle, trial or challenge that we face, there is a corresponding gift of the spirit available to answer or solve it when we seek for it. She also taught that the Lord is never late, or early in giving us what we need. He gives it to us at the moment when we need it most. As Joseph Smith taught, we can have perfect faith in our Heavenly Father's promises because he is perfect and knows us so well as to know exactly what we need, when we need it.

Elder Nelson then addressed a few themes and closed with apostolic blessing.

3 main reasons the church was restored when it was:

1. It was divinely promised to the prophets for centures especially the gathering of Israel.
2. Once the families are gathered, then need to be sealed - all we do is to bring people to the covenents of the temple.
3. To prepare for the second coming of the savior.

Our 2 main responsibilities are to improve our faith in God and Jesus Christ and to prepare and teach our families the same.

Advice to Wives:

Advice to Husbands:

8 'ates'

1. Anticipate - your wifes hopes and dreams and needs
2. Appreciate - express you appreciation to your wife in different ways
3. Contemplate - Latin for 'Con' and 'Template' - Take your wife to the temple.
4. Celebrate - your love, the sabbath, family
5. Cooperate - Always have a project together
6. Elevate - Treat her as you ought to and how she ought to be - she will rise to expectations
7. Motivate - Help your wife develop her talents and abilites
8. Radiate - The light of the Gospel and the Savior in your home
9. Supplicate - to obtain help to do all the rest.

Don't let anger pollute your home.

Gone should be the day when the father is the family scriptorian and the Mother the only Christian. Do service to others together.

A blessing of health and happiness was pronounced upon all in the name of the Lord.

Long time, no post

Wow, it's been a long time since I posted to this or any BLOG. There's been a lot on my mind lately and much had happened and changed since my last posting. We've continuted to have "liberty" discussions, though the group had changed and is now called the "Junto" after the Ben Franklin auto-biography discussion.

Our latest quest for liberty has been to be liberated from debt! We've sold our home, started a new budgeting program, including making it more of a priority to budget together, no matter how painful it is and are trying to get some land and build our house without going into debt! Seemingly impossible, yet oh, so desirable!

My Mom and Dad came up recently for the baptism of our 8 year old son, Samuel. It was a very special event for our family as all our children's baptisms are. My Dad left a great book with me to read and I have been really enjoying it as it has caused me to really think differently and more deeply about what holding and exercising the priesthood in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints means. It is called "Men of Valor" by Robert L Millet.

One quote in particular struck me as relating to "liberty". I include it here for you pondering.

" I have heard people say, and members of the Church too, 'I have a right to do as I please.' My answer is: No, you do not. You haven't any right at all to do just as you please. There is only one right that you have, and that is to ...keep the commandments of Jesus Christ. He has a perfect right to tell us so. We have no right to refuse. I do not care who the man is; I do not care where he lives, or what he is-when the gospel of Jesus Christ is presented to him, he has no right to refuse to receive it, because our Father in heaven has given to every one of us, in the Church and out, the gift of ...agency. That ... agency gives us the privelege to accept and be loyal to our Lord's commandments, but it has never given us the right to reject them. Every man who rejects the commandments of our Father in heaven is rebellious." - President Joseph Fielding Smith

I'm posting this to the blog from my journal software! Ain't technology great?

This week-end, Jen and I attended the GWC Seminar 3 in Calgary. We learned great things that I will share over the next few days.

Before I do that, I'm going to first try posting this to see if it actually works!

Rule of Law - Part II

Last night I had an interesting experience while at the Bonnie Doon Stake Center. I went there for a Coorporate challenge basketball practice. The captain had booked the gym from 9-11 with the booking agent.

Wednesday nights are typically the night when all the young single guys come to that gym to play full court basketball. With us there, and practicing 1/2 court 3 on 3, it created a conflict for this group.

Althoug they grudgingly let us take that half of the court, one of the youg whipper snappers came over and began to debate with me our right to prevent them from playing their full court game. He presented the arguments such as "We always play Wednesday nights", "We've been doing this for 5 years, so its 'understood' that we have the gym", "We're members, and your not". As I countered these arguments, the underlying ace in the hole that upheld our right to be there was the "Rule of Law". The understood rule/law is that if you want exclusive rights to the gym, you must have it booked with the building booking agent. Since we had the booking, we, a minority, were protected in our rights by the "Rule of Law".

Rule of Law

It's been a while since I posted. Busy and all that.

Doesn't mean I've stopped thinking about liberty!

2 things to blog about today:

1. I had the chance to vote in the conservative nomination for our area. It was a good experience. I was contacted by one of the candidates a few weeks ago, Mike Lake, who encouraged me to join the party and vote for him. He got my name from friends of mine and upon reviewing his web site and some of his positions, I agreed to vote. Mike ended up winning the riding, so I'm interested to see where it goes from here. Hopefully I can get a chance to sit down with him and ask him some questions.

2. I've had a couple of epiphanies about "Rule of Law" over the past couple of days. The first came while listening to the Book of Mormon, first Chapter of Alma. In this chapter we learn about a man named Nehor. Nehor began to preach to the people the doctrine of "priestcraft", or in otherwords the idea that those who teach the people religion should be upheld and paid by the people for doing so. He attempts to enforce his beliefs by the sword and is eventually tried, convicted and put to death for attempting to uphold priestcraft with murder. We learn some interesting things about how Alma, the new Chief Judge applies the "Rule of Law".

First in verse 12, learn that there was a strong belief that upholding priestcraft and other practices that offend natural law would "prove the destruction" of the people.

Second, in verse 14, we learn that Alma believed in Rule of Law when he states "Therefore thou art condemned to die according to the law ...; and it has been acknowledged by this people; therefore this people must abide by the law".

In verses 17-18, we learn of some of the laws that were enforced and learn that "the law could have no power on any man for his belief", but the law did enforce against dishonesty, theft, and murder.

Verse 33 teach us further the importance of "Rule of Law" and the results of upholding it.

"And it came to pass that by thus exercising the law upon them, every man suffering according to that which he had done, they became more still (speaking of those who did not belong to the Church and engaged in immoral and prideful practices), and durst not commit any wickedness if were known; therefore, there was much peace among the people of Nephi ..."

Personal Liberty

Lately I have had occasion to ponder and consider on personal liberty. When I say "personal liberty" I'm not talking about liberty in terms of country and government. I'm talking about liberty of oneself from misconception, rationalization and self-betrayal. Regardless of how much our liberties and rights may be protected and respected, it is possible for us to bind ourselves in chains of our own making. These chains are often not noticed at first but slowly restrict and bind our "personal liberty" to such an extent as to literally take away our freedom to choose.

As we go through life and encounter situations, we excersize our agency. We walk a fine line when making choices. Some choices continue and preserve our freedom, while others restrict, bind and blind us from the choices we could and should make.

To understand this better, it is important to make a distinction between what C. Terry Warner calls "Conscience" and "Light". Conscience he defines as "the knowledge of ourselves that we share with ourselves. Our inherent capacity to monitor what we are doing". Light he defines as "the reality of other creatures and of God that guides us in how we ought to respond to them.
There is an essential difference between the two. 'Light we do not control and cannot change; conscience we may misuse to twist our perception of the light and how faithfully we are responding to it." (From the book "Bonds that Make us Free" by C. Terry Warner pg. 134)

The more we align our choices and conscience with light, the freer we become to continue to make choices and be agents of our lives. In the Doctrine and Covenents, section 50 we learn about the nature of light and both how we can obtain or let more of it into our lives as well as the effects it has on us. Verse 24: "That which is of God is light and he that receiveth light and continueth in God, receiveth more light and that light groweth brighter and brighter until the perfect day". Then there is the key for obtaining the light in vs. 26 and vs. 28. We allow more light into our lives when we a) serve others and b) purify ourselves from all sin. Vs. 27 shows us the powerful results that come: "Wherefore he is possesor of all thing; for all things are subject unto him, both in heaven and on the earth, the life and the light, the Spirit and the power, sent forth by the will of the Father through Jesus Christ, his Son.". What greater liberty could we have than to posses this power from God?

How often in our lives when we seem to feel pressed upon and limited in our choices do we in hind site realize that it was due to our perception, not necessarily the reality of the situation. As we let light in, it opens up the dark corners of "things as they really are" (D&C 93) and allows the "truth to make us free" (John 8:32)

So, as we move foreward in the cause and struggle for freedom, let us keep ourselves free to fight the good fight and not lose our way by giving away our personal freedom through wrong choices.

The Village

Have you seen this movie yet?

Its a thinker. Jen and I watched it the other night and the concept of liberty is strong in it. Not apparant first but as the story unfolds, we learn that those in the village are kept there, not by their own agency but by fear of what is in the woods. I'll try not to spoil it for those who haven't seen it, but in essence we learn of a conspiracy by some who desire a good thing but who try and bring it about through fear and ignorance.

Can one truly be free while believing something that is not true? Does the end justify the means when it comes to preserving a certain way of life that a few thing is the best for all. It very much feels like Plato's republic concept where a few "wise" determine the restrictions and upbringing of the others.

It really got us to thinking anyways. Check it out and post your comments.