Kano Model of Marriage

By Chad Smith.

Groaning inwardly, I reluctantly found a seat in the meeting room for another mandatory corporate training module.  Trying my best to be optimistic despite all the pressing items waiting in my inbox, I found myself increasingly fascinated with the topic being presented.  In fact, I began to sense a truth and principle that could be applied not only to business, but also to many other areas of my life.  

The principle presented that day in our corporate training has affected my thinking and changed my perception of achieving and delivering satisfaction ever since.  It was the principle presented in the form of what is called the "Kano Model" ( see Wikipedia Article ).  

To illustrate the Kano Model, take a moment to consider your last stay in a good hotel.  Ask yourself; what did I take for granted when I walked into the hotel room that I would have been unhappy about if they weren't there?  They would probably include fundamental things like a bed, bathroom, curtains on the windows etc.  Let's call these the "Must haves" of the hotel room.  Assuming these features were there, what is it that makes you appreciate a good hotel room?  Likely this would include things like a big tub, big TV with lots of channels, free wireless internet etc.   Let's call these the "More's better" features of the hotel. Finally, think about what really distinguished the best hotel you've stayed in from all the rest.  Was it the newspaper at the door, the mint on the pillow or the omelet man at the breakfast bar?  Let's call these the "Delighters".

Now consider the application of the Kano model to building and ensuring satisfaction in marriage.  So what are the "must haves", "more's betters" and "delighters "of marriage for you?  Here are some of my thoughts. Hopefully they will allow you to ponder how they apply to you and empower you to find and see ways to enhance your own marriage.

Must Haves

The "Must Haves" provide the foundation of a marriage. We often take them for granted until they go missing, and without which the marriage is constantly in danger of collapsing.  I submit that the must haves include :

• Total spousal fidelity both physically and emotionally.  Those who think that they can maintain a marriage but still "look", confide in, or socialize separately from their spouse with members of the opposite sex, are seriously undermining the foundation of their marriage.
• Respect for and willingness to consider ones spouse as valid or as intelligent as themselves, despite differences, is a must have in marriage. Having had occasion to counsel with a number of struggling couples, I have seen the harm of not having this understanding between spouses. It is not maintainable over time.
• Agreed upon foundational beliefs and approaches to life and raising of children.  This could be argued to fit into the "more's better" section, but I'm going to put it here.  My experience is that those who don't resolve these questions, especially if each spouse is of a different religion or culture, are building on a foundation that has potential hidden cracks.

More's Better

Ascertaining what the "more's better" for marriages is going to be different for different couples.  Allow me to suggest a few to get you started:

• Learning  a second language. What I mean by that is how much better marriage can be when you learn what each other's love language is, and then endeavor to learn to speak it to them. Often this can be as tricky and require as much practice as learning a second language.  Check out Gary Chapman's "5 Love Languages" for excellent treatment of this idea.
• Date nights. Spending time together to connect and remember why you got married can be especially difficult in the early years as children come along and as couples struggle to build their career and home.  The more you can prioritize date time with your spouse , the more you can make your marriage that much better.  My wife and I can definitely notice when we have skipped a few date nights.  I can physically see the tension and stress drain out of my wife and the beautiful happy women I married re-appears in front of my eyes as we settle into a comfy booth at "Boston Pizza" or "The Keg".  Those few minutes or hours away from the hustle of life and kids can restore perspective and love.
• Talking about the hard topics. Every family and marriage has those "elephants in the room" topics and challenges. Those things that are easier just to skirt around and never really talk about.  You can also spot these elephants by watching for the topics of tension that seem to keep coming up again and again.  For Jen and I, these seem to fall into 3 categories; Intimacy, finances, and children (including trying to agree about how best to educate them). The more you can respectfully and regularly talk about these issues and work together to find answers and win-win approaches to them, the more unified and strong your marriage will be.

Delighters

Delighters are the things that bring sparkle, fun and excitement to a marriage and are best applied when the "Must Haves" and "More is Better" categories are also established and being worked on.

• Getaways. For us, one of the delighters in our marriage is a regular plan to get away alone as a couple.  For us this has ranged from a trip to Quebec City for our 15th anniversary, to an overnight hotel stay 5 blocks from our home. We use this time to re-connect physically as well as mentally. We try to do this every 6 months if possible and do our best to set aside time to talk about our relationship, the things we want to start and stop doing in the next 6 months and about each of our kids.  This time alone and apart is much anticipated and a delight for us.
• On purpose speaking of each others love language especially when it is not easy.  When my wife sets up a special evening or when I actually do some of the things on the honey-do list even though I don't enjoy it, those small sacrifices are a delight.

Whatever stage you are at in your marriage, whatever state it is in, or even as you contemplate getting married, these are  principles that can be applied and considered to  solidify it's foundation, improve it step by step over time and  regularly make it a delight.